how to disagree in a godly way

Last week, in a response to a request for blog post topics, a friend suggested a study on how to disagree in a godly way.

I wish I could tell you all the reasons I respect her for studying this out. But I’ll leave that treasure in heaven. (You know who you are, and you rock.)

Honestly, this is a timely and helpful topic for all of us, as we deal with our divisions and differences. They’re coming out in a major way right now.

Figuring out a biblical response to disagreement is a difficult topic.

But it’s needed. The power of unity in the church is incredibly important:

I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one – I in them and you in me – so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. – John 17:22-23

Our unity is how we represent God in this world. Like Psalm 133:1 says, “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity.”

Let’s study out how to handle conflict spiritually, so we can be the body of Christ God created us to be.

What does the Bible say about disagreements?

An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels. – Proverbs 18:1

Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended. – Proverbs 22:10

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. – Proverbs 26:21

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.” – Philippians 2:14-15

Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will – 2 Timothy 2:22-26

(Bold added by me for emphasis.)

Although the Bible calls for us to be united, we’re imperfect. We see things according to our own perspectives, and we disagree.

Even Paul got into such a strong disagreement with Barnabas that they parted ways. Later, he makes the appeal to the church in Corinth that they “agree with one another in what you say and that there be no disagreements among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10-11).

Which kinds of disagreements in church are okay, and which are not okay?

Romans 14 goes into this subject more: Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. (vs 1) A disputable matter is something the Bible isn’t clear and specific about one way or another.

So, murder? Not a disputable matter. It’s sin. We shouldn’t be arguing over whether or not murder is an option. There’s no question there.

What counts as disputable? If it doesn’t involve a specific command from God’s word, and instead comes down to opinion or preference. Things like: politics, holidays, the order of church services, music, entertainment, food, drink, and more.

How do we manage these disagreements?

Romans 14 gives us some more tips:

You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. (vs 10)

It’s not up to use to judge in these matters.

It’s between individuals and God. In discussing how to disagree in a godly way, we need to acknowledge this: that we don’t have the right or responsibility to judge or correct disputable matters.

If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let what you know is good to be spoken of as evil. (vs 15-16)

Are we acting in love?

Does expressing our opinion come from love, or does it come from pride or fear instead? Sometimes it’s best to keep our opinions or decisions to ourselves. Consider what is best for building your brother and sister up, and whether or not the cause you are arguing is biblical or personal.

We can protect the brothers and sisters with weak consciences in their faith by not getting caught up in disputable matters, even if those same brothers and sisters take those details very seriously. When we argue, sometimes it’s more to serve our own purposes than correcting sin or acting out of love.

So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. (vs 22)

You don’t always have to speak up.

In our society, we’re encouraged to share our opinions quickly and loudly. But James 1:19 says we should “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry”, and I believe it matches with Romans 14:22.

We can condemn ourselves by wounding someone else’s conscience and causing them to sin.

Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the people through whom they come! – Matthew 18:6-7

And perhaps the time we allow ourselves to stay silent will give us the opportunity to understand our brother or sister, even being able to extend them grace or have your own mind transformed. Keeping your heart soft to God’s teaching is never a bad thing.

Matthew 18 is another great chapter to go over how we should treat each other in the kingdom, and in the world.

Biblical conflict resolution in the church

Together

More practicals for how to disagree in a godly way come from Titus 3:10-11:

But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

AVOID quarrels over things that are unprofitable and useless.

DO NOT divide. God seeks unity in his kingdom. If someone continues to press their opinion that is divisive, quarrelsome, and intentionally hurting the church and its members, then –

WARN a divisive person. Give them two warnings (and forgive them as many times as they apologize – Matthew 18:22). After that, if there isn’t change, then the Bible says to have nothing to do with them.

Matthew 18:15-17 shares a similar command: If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Having another person along as a mediator may make a huge difference. If not, it may even need to go in front of the church. Pray a LOT and get advice on this.

Individually

PRAY. Always.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. – Romans 12:17-18

DON’T take revenge. As Christians, we can do this in subtle ways – avoiding them, giving them the silent treatment, causing more division through gossip.

MAKE PEACE as far as it depends on you. (This might look like shaking the dust off your feet as you let the conversation go.)

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:13

EXTEND grace.

FORGIVE. Forgiving doesn’t make what the other person did okay, but it releases you from the burden of bitterness and sin.

More Resources on Biblical Conflict Resolution in the Church

Carrying the burden of disagreement – love this concept from Christianity Today

When Church Hurts: A Story of Church

Nothing Knocks the Church Down Faster than Division

Handling Criticism as a Christian

It would be easier if we always agreed.

I wish we could hear critique and different perspectives than our own and not react out of defensiveness. As Christians, it is only logical to me that we are open to hearing and understanding other people; but not everyone sees it that way.

However, the Bible says that the world will know us as belonging to him because of our love for each other. And sometimes loving other people is challenging – which makes it all the more holy when we achieve it.

Let’s make every effort to handle conflict in a biblical way, and choose to build each other up in love, instead of focusing on our own opinions or knowledge. “Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up” – 1 Corinthians 8:1.

How do you disagree in a godly way?

How about you? What are your convictions on this topic?

Follow my Christian Women board on Pinterest for more inspiration and encouragement!

Photo Credit:

1 – Rosie Fraser on Unsplash

2 – Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

3 – Ben White on Unsplash

4 – DNK.PHOTO on Unsplash

Comments

Holly Shields says

August 5, 2021 at 10:03 am

Very relevant in this time in history. Believers seem to be more divided than ever about things that don’t matter for the kingdom or for eternity. The division and disunity breaks my heart and God’s. This is not what He wants for His people. Very helpful. Thank you!

- whatyoumakeit says
  
  September 13, 2021 at 1:41 pm
  
  It has so been weighing on my heart lately! I agree. I’ve been praying we can truly be the Church God ordained, and be the love that he is toward us. Thanks for visiting and commenting.