What You Make It - live a full life, right where you are

July 16, 2018

35 things to talk about on date night other than your kids

July 16, 2018

Dates are precious, and also sometimes stolen hours. They don’t come around all the time, since it involves planning and a generous soul to watch the kids.

And then often on dates we find ourselves scrolling through our phones, showing each other pictures and videos of the latest cute things our kids did. Kind of defeats the purpose of getting a babysitter and going out. We could do that at home, with the real thing.

Something I keep hearing over and over is that to build your marriage, you need time to talk about things other than the kids. Which makes sense, and we try to get that time. But then in practice, it feels impossible. I spend all day with the kids, so they’re all I think about. James works much of the week, and wants to hear about what he missed.

To make your love grow even stronger, you have to keep learning about each other, keep talking, keep dreaming together. I am sure I don’t know everything about my hubby, even though he knows me better than anyone.

So it truly takes some discipline to talk about something other than the kids. But it also helps to have ideas! Here are some questions to ask on your next date night. But here’s what NOT to do. Don’t just go through this list and answer the questions one by one. Let these questions turn into whole conversations and let them go on as long as you can.

Questions:

What’s one way you want to leave a mark on the world?
What’s one (or a few) of your dream travel destinations?
What was the highlight of your week this week?
What is something you wish you could change about this week?
How can I be more of a support or encouragement to you?
What are you learning about or from God lately?
What do you think are some of my talents, or things you love about me?
If you could go back, what major would you have chosen in school? The same, or different? Why?
What are your favorite things to do when you have time to yourself?
What songs, artists or bands are you loving at the moment?
Who would you get lunch with, if you could choose anyone in the world, alive, dead, or imaginary?
Where is your favorite place to go when you have time to yourself?
If a zombie apocalypse happens, what three things would you take with you as you barricade yourself in the house? (My husband recently asked me that.)
What things get you excited or fired up at the moment? Good or bad?
If our life was a TV show, what might it be called? What kind of show would it be?
Where should we go on our next vacation?
What movie is most likely to make you cry (or sad)?
If you could learn one new thing in the next couple months, what would it be and why? (And why can’t you go for it? Maybe start thinking about a plan!)
What’s your favorite quote or scripture of the moment?
If you could splurge on something right now, what would it be?
What is an award or recognition you received that you are still proud of?
If you could pick anything in the world to do for a living, what would it be?
Who is someone you want to be better friends with?
What would your dream house be like?
What’s the most terrifying movie you’ve ever seen?
It’s cliche, but…if you had a superpower, what would it be and why?
When you were a kid, what did you most want to be when you grew up?
Which language would you learn if you could, and why?
What is your dream car?
As you were growing up, which book or TV character did you relate to the most?
What is something you’ve learned about marriage since our wedding day?
With money as no object, what career would you pursue?
What do we have to look forward to in the next few weeks or months?
What’s something new that we can try together?
What’s the funniest joke you can think of?

Obviously some are intriguing and some are just plain silly. But every little bit of getting to know each other better is fun and worth it.

Finally, it’s your turn: what are some questions you ask your spouse to continue getting to know them even better?

July 13, 2018

a public service announcement about the #nsale

July 13, 2018

If you’ve been online in the past 24 hours, you know there’s a certain big sale going on. The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. How do you know this? Because every single blogger is talking about it.

Consequently, it’s time for a public service announcement. (See original video on my Instagram TV page.) We could use some perspective, since it will likely be a hot topic from now through the first week in August – with the pre-sale post! The early access post! The open-to-the-public sale post! And finally, the don’t-miss-the-last-few-days post!

First, some background. I’m a bit of a deal hound, as you might know. And I love to shop. In college and beyond, I’d get whatever was the most discounted that still looked fairly stylish. And then usually I’d wear it once, and back in the donation pile it would go.

But within the past few years, I’ve been honing in on my style, on mix and match pieces that work together, and on pieces that will last longer than a month or so. I’m trying not to give in to “fast fashion” – trends that last a week, or clothes I toss after a short amount of time.

The #nsale has the potential to work completely against that system.

Simply because there is So. Much. Hype. around this sale. It leaves you scrambling to fill your cart so that amazing jacket doesn’t sell out before you get it at that price you’ll never see again OH MY GOSH.

It makes you that much more willing to apply for a credit card you don’t need so that you can get that pair of shoes that don’t ever get discounted that low OH WOW.

I’m not knocking bloggers, because I am one, and I get it. This is just one way to continue earning an income to do what you love. (Totally use those affiliate links, by the way! It’s helping a blogger continue their biz.)

And I’m not hating on Nordstrom, because even if I can’t afford most of what they have, they make their stores beautiful and they offer amazing facilities for nursing moms. That qualifies them as a winner in my book.

But shop smart, friends.

Be conscious of your budget. A $160 dress at 40% off is still over $100. Even though it’s a great deal, I don’t usually spend over $100 for a dress. It’s just not realistic for me to buy it just because it’s on sale.
Stick to your guns. If you’re in debt, it doesn’t make sense to open another credit card. We don’t have credit cards in our family, so it’s an easy no for me. (But don’t think I wasn’t tempted in years past just to go for it with Nordstrom.)
Look at your closet. Figure out what you actually need, and what works with what you have. Would you really wear that bold pattern? Does it match anything else in your closet? And will you actually use the same sweater in five colors?
Don’t give in to the pressure. I have felt that stress of wondering if I’d ever see a price that low again, or if it would still be in stock later. This is just one sale. Of many. There will be more deals, more discounts, more chances to buy. I like to buy secondhand, and can often get great deals on hardly worn pieces. Just remember this isn’t the end-all, be-all.

I mean this with lots of love and a grain of salt. Also, don’t think I’ll be completely sitting this out. I will be looking into Zella leggings (they are legit awesome) and kids’ shoes at the #nsale. I’m not immune, friends 😉

How do you put together your closet? How do you shop smart?

July 11, 2018

day in the life of an anxious mind

July 11, 2018

This post was inspired on our trip from many moments. It’s not exactly one whole day, but rather experiences from different days. These are real scenarios, however.

I’m not quite sure why I feel the need to share this. It’s probably because I’m trying to make sense of it myself. Maybe you know someone with anxiety, but don’t quite understand it, or you don’t get your own anxiety. I hope somehow this perspective will help.

***

2:41am

I wake up and things are hazy at first. I’m hanging onto a dream, and slowly coming back to reality. But as reality clears, it sharpens; too sharp. Needs and wants and worries prick and poke especially hard at this time of the night. It makes me want to stay awake and solve all the problems, but I know I can’t. It’s keeping me awake. If I can dull my mind back into that haze, I fall asleep easily. If not, it feels impossible. I grab my phone, which can cause more anxiety, or lull me into another world via TV show or movie until I fall asleep.

***

7:29am

Again I wake up. My thoughts start slow, which lasts for about 30 seconds, until I gather where I am and what day it is. Suddenly they’re racing, flying by, and I can’t catch up. Things to do, where to start, worries from the night before. My whole body feels tense, and the day hasn’t even really started yet. It takes effort to get out of bed.

***

8:43am

My kids are up, toddling around, probably in a screeching match over a push or a pull. I’m agitated and I can feel it. But looking at the clock – it isn’t even nine yet?! What are we going to do today? I’m going to lose my mind. How long before my husband gets home? My head is spinning, my heart beating faster. I yell for the yelling to stop, and my face falls into my hands.

***

11:14am

We get ourselves together and go out of the house. We go to a museum, and everything is smooth until one of my kids stands straight up under an iron railing. Sobbing, he rushes to me for comfort. Panic sets into my bones, and my stomach twists. How hard did he hit the bar? Why did I let him play over there? Is that a bump, or is that just his normal head shape? I’m googling symptoms of head injuries and every possible symptom seems likely to me. I keep him up an hour past nap time, just to be sure, and even then, I’m worrying about when he wakes up.

It’s important to note that kids get hurt. They bump their heads. Often it turns out okay. I’m terrified, though, that ours will be that “one case in a million” where I should have rushed my kid to the hospital and didn’t, and I lose him. I’m already at losing him in my mind.

***

2:33pm

The lunch rush is over, one child is napping, the other playing with a sticker book. I sit down to do a little blog work, and draw a total blank. No writing inspiration whatsoever. I check my email, and suddenly fall into the rabbit hole. Applying for campaigns, looking up social media stats, wow, that person is doing so much better on Instagram than me. Why do I even think I can do this? Not good enough. Not good enough. The chant rings in my ears. I can’t focus. I close my laptop and try to find something else to do.

***

5:01pm

It’s time for dinner, but the day has weighed on me. (Maybe it was being up in the middle of the night?) I’m stuck in a familiar conundrum – run around the kitchen whipping something up while trying to feed my kids at the same time, which sounds like torture, or call my husband, already on his way home, and ask him to pick up something for dinner. Again. My thoughts turn to accusations. You are a horrible stay-at-home mom. Most women can handle dinner at least. Your husband is going to be so annoyed. Why do you make it so hard on him, when he’s out taking care of the family? Can we even afford dinner out tonight? That kicks off a whole bunch of scary thoughts on the category of money. Finally, I call my husband, and he casually responds that it’s no problem to pick something up.

***

6:22pm

Yoga class. I love it and look forward to it, but also dread it. It means I have to talk to people, when all I want to do after a long day is go inward. Someone at the front desk says, “hi,” and whatever comes out of my mouth sounds completely wrong. I cower a little, check into class, and find a spot. Again, people politely chatter. I say something else that sounds foolish to me, and I wish I could disappear. Now everyone is talking around me, and I feel like the only one who doesn’t fit.

***

8:19pm

I see a missed call from my dad. Usually my mom is the one who calls, so immediately, I panic. Did something happen? Why would he be calling otherwise? I’m thinking through who might be hurt or sick or dying. I call him back, and he just wants to talk about our next travel plans together as a family.

***

I constantly get caught up in the “what ifs”. I overthink actions and words, others’ and even my own. Discouraging circumstances lead to worst-case scenarios in my head. Again, it’s not like this all day and every day. But these things have and do happen without warning, at least once a day.

Friends, if you’re going through this, you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. It may be your own personal struggle, and I might not understand every aspect of it, but it is real and it stinks to go through. Don’t try to wrestle your way through it alone.

Friends who don’t struggle with anxiety – these are the kinds of thoughts the people you know might struggle with. I know some of the things might sound funny (like, surely your child is not going to die after bumping his head). In the moment, though, it feels so real. I wrote a post on how you can help someone with social anxiety, but with general anxiety, be there for them. Ask them what they need. Be a listening ear. Gently point out the good, and feel free to distract with other good things if it just isn’t going anywhere.

What things help with your anxiety, if you have it?

July 9, 2018

let go and hold tight

July 9, 2018

Hey friends. Coming back from an intentional vacation and an unintentional blog break.

Vacation might be a loose term for what we had. Traveling with kids is just hard however you stack it. (Might be a blog post coming on that one.)

But there were definitely a lot of fun times and even some date nights. James and I got to go see Imagine Dragons, which was so awesome to do together. We got to see the Red Sox crush the Nationals with my family, shop at the Under Armour outlet, and enjoy cookouts and walks and Maryland crabs.

And then the unintentional blog break. I honestly brought my computer and planned to continue posting all week. But there were a few things that made me feel the need to stop and re-evaluate. I won’t go into the details, although if you’re on my newsletter list, you’ll hear a bit more about this.

But there have been a few things just stressing me out for a while. Things I’ve been giving to with the blog, but not seeing any return on. Things that make me feel less valuable and less effective.

It’s definitely time for some changes around here. I’m choosing to let go of the things that aren’t working and to hold tight to the things that are. I’m working on getting back in the flow of engaging more, writing on topics you want to hear, and focusing on what I love about blogging: connecting and encouraging.

As always, thanks for hanging in there with me. Blogging is always something I’ve played by ear, because it’s constantly changing, and I don’t know what I’m doing. But this incredible community keeps it all going. Keep up with me on Instagram (I post there pretty regularly and will be doing an IG video on this topic), or feel free to email me and get in touch with suggestions or encouragement.